It was a busy week. The week that had just past was, I would say, one of the busiest weeks of my life. I accepted a request to help a church member to look after her mom who's bed-ridden. So I started work on Monday. I didn't have fixed working hours so I usually just stay on for 8 to 10 hours a day. I soon realize that it isn't as easy as I thought it'd be. Pretty tiring. And I didn't get enough sleep throughout the week. Apart from that, on Tuesday morning on my way to work, our senior pastor asked me to worship lead at a worker's conference that our church is having on Friday. I had no idea why I said yes to it. All these while I've been rejecting worship leading a crowd. The most I've done is in cell group, and sometimes even that could be awkward. Youth pastor and youth leader had asked me to lead in seminars and youth camp before but I always refused. I guess partly cause the person asking is my senior pastor? And partly because he didn't really give me a choice.. haha... I told him I'm bad in singing he said "Let's try". Oh well.. So even though I agreed, I was stressed. I'm not a good singer and almost the whole church is gonna hear me, I have stage fright, I don't know what songs to choose, I have never done it before, I was afraid. But yet, deep inside, there was a slight excitement. I was a little excited to see what God can do through me. So I continued on my week with the stresses of work, little sleep and preparing for worship leading. I was so worried throughout the week I felt even more tired. I guess the main problem was I was afraid to sing in front of people because of my bad singing and I wasn't sure if I could actually lead well.
Choosing the songs was one of the hardest things to do. I wanted to sing the songs that God wanted me to sing. I wanted the songs to be in line with the theme of the worker's conference. Somehow, my mind couldn't think of many songs that I could use. My song list changed and changed and changed. I was stressed. On Wednesday night, I was on my way to prayer meeting and in the car I was thinking about the songs and praying to God to show me His intentions. And I felt this "Just choose the songs, no matter what songs you choose, I can still minister and touch people through them." And during prayer meeting I requested my small group to pray for me and I felt the same. I teared. I was so engrossed with trying to choose the "right" songs that I forgot about God's power and His ability to work through us as long as we have a heart of a servant, despite our inabilities and weaknesses. So that night I continued to choose the songs and sort of decided on my list and started practicing. I still did not have total peace but I surrendered to God, left it there and went to bed.
The next morning, I woke up, and changed my list again, this time I had peace. That night I was practicing the songs and entered into a time of worship myself. He touched me, and I knew that He could do the same in church.
On Friday night, although I had practiced, I still felt nervous. I arrived at church to realize that I was going to be standing down the stage, near to the audience seat, while the musicians were going to be playing on stage. So I was going to be alone. To make things worse, I didn't have lyrics to look at and I don't have feedback monitors to hear myself sing. And the speakers were in front of me so I was basically hearing the bounce back of my voice from the wall. The first song took up quite some time during practice just to get a key that I could sing comfortably in. It was hard. I couldn't sing it well. And that left little time for the rest of the songs. I was so nervous my palms were wet.
When the time came, I just took a deep breath and said my own short prayer "In Christ I can, Lord You use me, take control" I started off being very unstable. I was so focused on singing properly I was basically not worship leading. Yes I gave the signals to the musicians and I was singing in front, but I wasn't enjoying as much as I was suppose to enjoy. I didn't dare to jump up and down, I didn't clap, I was only singing - and not even singing good @_@. But it got better after a while as I slowly surrendered to Him and stopped focusing on my own singing. I realized, when I'm focused on my singing, I tend to go out of tune easier than when I'm only focusing on worshipping God. During worship time, I felt led to say prayers and to encourage the church members to worship Him. As I said before, I have stage fright and I have never said a prayer in a crowd without feeling nervous and having shakes in my voice. But that night was different. According to feedback from some of the members, they didn't hear a single tone of fear or nervousness. To God be all the glory. He has made me able. It was really Him leading, I am confident that if I was doing it on my own, it would have been a disaster.
To add on, today after church service I talked to a lady whom, I would say, is the best singer in our church. She is a backup singer, but has never led worship either. She told me, when she saw me leading, she felt encouraged. Even I, without having vocal training before, can go up and lead worship, while she has vocal training and can actually sing well, does not have the courage to take up that challenge. Worship leading has been in her heart, but due to her upbringing, she fears to be in front to lead. Just like how I felt. And she is now learning to be more courageous to do God's work. I was stunned when she told me that. I totally didn't expect that I would hear anything like that from anyone. God had used me to encourage others to take up this challenge! I'm amazed. =)
*Wow, this is a super long post >.<*
Apart from worship leading, this week has been a very encouraging, inspiring and exciting week. Through my work, through worship leading, through the worker's conference and even Sunday church service, God has given me the courage to speak up even more. He has given me the confidence to declare His word and to pray publicly without being as afraid as before. I feel like I'm slowly being released from a bondage. A bondage that has kept me from being who I can be for a very long time. It was truly also a week of refreshment, rededication and inspiration.
We had an altar call today and the altar was filled with our church members! Since last Sunday, after Rev. Jason Goh preached about the altar, and encouraged us to just stand at the altar after every service to just enjoy being at the altar, God has been moving people. It had inspire us to view the altar differently. Well, at least it is for me. =p I usually think that, you only go to the altar when pastor gives a call, and you meet one of the requirements of the call. And I don't know since when, I've not gone to the altar as often anymore. But after his message, I realized, I was wrong. The altar is Jesus' feet. I can just go there without having any requests. I can just be there giving praise, I can just be there giving thanks, I can just be there to worship him, I can just be there to cry out to Him, I can just be there to be a step closer to Him. The pastor doesn't even always need to pray for me. =)
Usually after church service, pastor will ask the worship leader to lead the congregation in one last song to end the service. Today, something very exciting and stunning happened. As we were singing the song "Arise for the glory of the Lord", the whole worship team was pumped up and was enjoying ourselves, and suddenly, one of the members ran out from the audience seat to the altar, using his tie as a ribbon and started dancing! He was actually dancing, not just moving a little along with the music, but actually dancing! I was so excited, happy and encouraged that if I wasn't playing the bass on stage I would have joined him. I am just in awe. Although no one joined him today, but I believe and I am sure, that next week there will be. Slowly, in God's timing, the walls of our church will be broken down and we will be a vibrant church. A church declaring God's love and singing His praises without holding back. I'm so excited I can't wait to see what God is going to do!
After church service, I had missions training with a few guys as we are going for a missions trip at the end of the year. I'm so excited for that too! Yes, there are fears and uncertainties, but it still doesn't wash out the excitement I have and the anticipation to see what God can do.
Now, at the end of the week, I can say that, I really can do all things through Him who strengthens me. My schedule was so tight this week and throughout the week I wondered how am I going to survive through. But God has His ways and now, not only did I survived through, but I am also pumped up, excited, inspired and in awe of His greatness. Truly, in my weakness, He is strong. =)
